By Alex Berger
I think the American public wants a solemn ass as a [politician] and I think I'll go along with them.
– Calvin Coolidge.
When was the last time you heard of a politician accepting no campaign contributions, refusing to dine with special-interest lobbyists, and who didn't lie, make hollow promises or sleep around? Take your time, I'll wait. I'm still waiting. La la la la la la…
Time's up! I'll tell you the answer — never, nunca, nada.
I suggested in my July 6 column an exciting alternative to the business as usual, ho-hum, local senatorial race. I announced to the word that I, Alex (no middle initial) Berger, was joining the heretofore torpid race for senator from our great state of New York.
I decided to perform this civic duty in order to give the disgruntled electorate of New York another, more sensible choice for the most esteemed job in the land (with the exceptions, of course, of president of the good old U.S. of A., and quarterback for the New York Giants).
I would accept this burdensome undertaking for an unselfish and noble reason, namely, to unite the diffused people of New York State who have become conchoidal and concupiscent (with words like that, how can you not vote for me?). I want to form a happier state of mind of people in the state in which I live and which I love.
I do not relish seeing Rick on the golf course shouting “I want 'Fore' (as in four years) in the Senate,” when teeing off, or Hillary walking arm-in-arm with half the population of the state at a pep rally, in their bids for the senatorial job. Not I. I do not golf and I never march (I once did – down the aisle).
As senator, I would want to establish a more mirthful existence under our spacious, New York skies. I would do this by stealing the gag writers from the Jay Leno and David Letterman shows and reciting only comedy bits at fire-side chats (like FDR) and at Yankee Stadium (like Rudy Giuliani). I would, of course, stick to the current events of the day and vow always to make them mirthful. Why should a senator scare his electorate with bad news when he could bring smiles upon their lips with a few one-liners?
Next, I would abolish all taxes on the State's favorite foods – sushi, scungilli, matzo balls, tacos, and moussaka. That would make American stomachs very happy.
Following that, I would implement an amendment to the State constitution decreeing that the “New York” Giants move back to New York and win a Super Bowl for us.
I will do whatever it takes to defeat my opponents. I have the determination, the will, and the chutzpah to do it. If that former professional wrestler, Jesse Ventura, can be elected governor of Minnesota, why can't your humble columnist be elected a senator from New York? I would also be a historical senator, the first one hailing from little, ol' Whitestone, Queens.
I would also be the first New York senator who is prepared to defeat every pending piece of legislation sent across my desk in Congress, unless of course, it is for the return of the Giants. Can't those politicos ever leave well enough alone?
And New York's highest court? No problem. I would simply lobby to pack it with devotees of mine, such as Gerard the accountant, the Giants' offensive and defensive lines, and my former kindergarten teacher, Miss Braunstein. Then, watch our country move forward.
Recently, while on the campaign trail, criss-crossing Flushing, I tried to raise $100 for my political war chest (I need to buy a lot of subway tokens, you know), and an inquisitive soul approached me. She asked what other topics were on my platform. I had hoped that she wouldn't bring up something as personal as that, but I was well prepared. I deftly sidetracked the question. I told the busybody that I divulged my complete platform in my column of July 6 and I didn't want to repeat it for fear that other candidates may steal from it
I then quickly delivered a mirthful Hillary-Rick joke. That fly-in-the ointment was so excited by my charisma that she grabbed my arm as I was leaving and gushed. “Oh, Mr. Berger, I'm terribly sorry to have met you.”
Some hecklers in the crowd soon began to ridicule me. However, I defended myself by answering, “You are talking about the man I love.” That shut them up pronto.
However, my press secretary, Gloria, suggested that I repeat some of the items on my agenda. “It would be far better, indeed, for voters who missed your July 6 article to have an opportunity to see the light of your platform, than for them to curse the darkness,” she said.
I pondered her remark very carefully as if I were voting for a change in our constitution. Then I made a senatorial-like decision. “I will not gratuitously divulge my entire platform because some or all of what I state and stand for is subject to change without notice,” I wisely retorted.
So, readers, if you want a more mirthful and cheerful state government, vote for Berger as your write-in candidate.
(I hope Rick and Hillary do not get their hands on this column. Memo to my editor: “Please give me a raise. I need it to pay for subway tokens and round-trip train tickets to Yonkers and Buffalo. If I am elected senator, I promise to help you move to another state.”)
(Editor's reply: Actually, I'd want to stick around. You as senator would make great copy.)
