It was a terribly wet summer night.
The wind was howling and the rain was pouring down in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the Queens bakery was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in a raincoat, rain hat, and a water-resistant scarf. He was drenched and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf, he said to the baker, “May I have two bagels to go, please?” The baker was astonished. “Just two bagels?” he asked, amazed.
“That's right,” answered the little man. “One for me and one for Beryl.”
“Beryl is your wife?” the baker inquired.
“What do you think,” snapped the little man, “my mother would send me out on a night like this?”
June is just about upon us. It It’s the sixth month of the year, but did you know that in ancient Roman times, the year began in March, and June was the fourth month?
That must have been a terrible time warp. Can you picture Al Jolson singing his signature song, “Though JUNE Showers, May Come Your Way”? I can’t.
The month may have been named for June, the Roman goddess of marriage (hence, so many June weddings), but many savants believe that its name was derived from the Latin juniores: meaning “young men.” Those earthy Latins held June to be sacred to young men; they knew it was the perfect month for love and marriage.
Poor May, however, was only for majores (the Roman “Alte Cockers”). As in today's society, Romans bowed to its youth. (Hmmm, if Mayor Giuliani and Bill Clinton were alive back then, would the Romans still have those same view?)
June proudly presents us with many outstanding highlights, such as American Rivers Month, Adopt-A Cat Month, and the Dragon Boat Festival, in Taiwan. Also D-Day (6), National Juggling Day (16), Kamehameha Day (11), Flag Day (14), Midsummer Day (21), Father's Day (17), my birthday (18), my editor’s birthday (22) (He made me put that in), First Day of Summer (21), Pledge of Allegiance Recognition Day, (22), GI Bill of Rights Day (22), and the Start of the Korean War Day (25).
Every summer brings the Queens populace outdoors and everyone will be planting gardens. Me? I can work up a sweat merely by looking out the window and watching Gloria plant, cultivate, and maintain our garden. There are days when I work so hard at it that I become winded and I have to lay down and rest.
Once, I actually did try gardening. I planted a rock garden and the next day, two of them died. Not only tkat, but I also killed a century plant when it was only six years old. Gloria bought me a hanging fern to cheer me up. I hung it and the rope died two days later.
I know many people think that flowers are the most beautiful things that God ever created, but Mr. Green Thumb here must have inherited his gardening prowess from his Uncle Herman. The first time I saw pictures of the surface of the moon I thought it was a picture of his back yard. I advised Unc that he should buy a better home and garden. He asked, “The magazine?” “No,” I said, “Buy a better home and garden.”
Oh, well, I will just leave my gardening to Gloria.
She next encouraged me to go into bird-watching. “It is truly a lovely summer pastime identifying a black throated blue warbler and a Baltimore oriole as they fly to Queens from their winter homes in Florida, Venezuela, Brazil and the Caribbean Islands.,” she said. “Yes,” I answered.
So, the next day, Gloria woke me up at 5 a.m., handed me my football binoculars, placed a pair of sunglasses on my face, and we both trekked down to Cunningham Park for a little bird-watching. (I snuck in a box of peanuts to help attract the birds).
We split up and I scurried to find the most desirable spot to bird-watch – next to a birdbath. I scattered my box of birdseed all around, sat down, and waited.
It wasn’t long before I was surrounded by a million pigeons and three squirrels. My birdseed evaporated before my eyes. I waited a few minutes.
“No,” she replied. “What about you?” she questioned. “Oh, yes,” I replied, as I crossed my fingers. “I saw an Arctic tern two yellow Canada Warblers, and a few hummingbirds. I may even have seen a blue boat-tailed grackle and his mate, but the glint from the sun distorted my vision before I was able to make a positive identification.” Gloria promptly took me home and that was the end of my involvement in the civilized sport of bird-watching.
Summer is also the time for vacations. Whenever we plan a vacation Gloria keeps reminding me that a well-organized vacation is having the two weeks run out BEFORE our traveler’s checks do. I then remind her that when we go on vacation, we should always travel light and that means the luggage, not our wallet.
Vacations are great equalizers. When our neighbors come back, they are just as broke as the neighbors who couldn’t afford to go. They tell us that the nice thing about vacations is, after it is over, they are still reminded of their memories. “Yes,” I say, “usually around the first of each month.”
My neighbor Gerard just back from a Florida vacation, and says that he is still convalescing from “Boynton Beach” surgery, where his money was successfully removed.
Summer is also a great time for reruns — that is what I got from drinking the water in Mexico. I enjoy the summer sun on the beach but, whenever those mosquitoes see me, they exclaim: “Oh, man, a barbecue!”
But, don’t get me wrong, I love the summer. When else can I have my teacher-wife, Gloria, home with me for a full, uninterrupted, two months of gardening and birding. Perhaps my thumb may finally turn greener, and I finally may get to see a woodcock, a swamp sparrow, a Swanson's thrush, a chestnut-sided warbler, or even a sapsucker on the wing in Cunningham Park.
Wish me luck!
Reach columnist Alex Berger by e-mail at TimesLedgr@aol.com or call 229-0300, Ext. 139.
