By Arlene McKanic
The turkey does not deserve to be the bird of festive occasions.
First of all, it’s an abysmally stupid winged creature. It is so dumb, that when it rains it raises its head to see what’s falling on it, and drowns when the water trickles down its nose.
More, many Indian tribes wouldn’t eat wild turkey because they thought it was cowardly and its cowardice would be transferred to them.
In our society, stupidity or cowardice never kept an animal from being turned into protein, but on top of its skittish dumbness, turkeys don’t taste like anything, unless you think plywood tastes like something. This is why turkey must be stuffed, cranberried, gravied and injected with liquid butter, and probably why it wasn’t the main course served at the first Thanksgiving, called in 1621 by Governor William Bradford of the Plymouth colonies.
As a matter of fact, there was no main course. Everything was plunked down on the table and people simply dug in. Most of the stuff served was probably venison and other game, fruits, berries and seafood, but no baked goodies like pies, since the pilgrims didn’t have ovens.
This three-day harvest feast was called after the colony had survived for a year in the new world with the help of the Wampanoag Indians, which proves that no good deed goes unpunished. The Pilgrims, by the way, only celebrated Thanksgiving one more time, in 1623, to give thanks for the ending of a drought, and the subject wasn’t brought up again until 1676. This time they didn’t invite the Indians, whom by now they had dismissed as heathens.
The Continental Congress suggested during the American Revolution making a day of national thanksgiving a yearly event, but Lincoln was the first president to appoint an official Thanksgiving national holiday in 1863, largely in gratitude for the successful conclusion of the Civil War and after a 40-year writing campaign by magazine editor Sarah Josepha Hale.
In 1939 President Franklin Roosevelt messed around with the dates a little, moving it to the next to last Thursday in November and then to the fourth Thursday — even then, retailers were worried about the holiday bumping into Christmas.
Actually, the Pilgrims probably sat down to their feast somewhere in early October 1621, according to their calendar.
The turkey was once proposed by Benjamin Franklin to be the national symbol of America — Can you imagine? — but it lost out to the bald eagle, and one may suspect its consolation prize was to end up on our tables during feast days.
There are all manner of turkey breeds, including Auburn, Beltsville Small and White, Broad Breasted Bronze, Buff, Calico, Golden Palm, Blue Palm, Royal Palm, Sweetgrass, and White Midget. The most popular turkey to eat is the Broad Breasted White, because it doesn’t have pin feathers you have to yank out with pliers.
The best you can do with a turkey before you roast it is to brine it, which makes it palatable. The science is fascinating, employing the principles of osmosis and diffusion and all that, but in the interest of space, here’s what you do:
Get one of those coolers you put your beer bottles in. Then get a box of kosher salt, a box of table salt and a bag of sugar. To make one unit of brine, combine one quart of water, 3 1/4 cups of kosher salt, two tablespoons of plain table salt, and two tablespoons of sugar. Put the fresh turkey in the cooler and add one quart of brine per pound of bird, not to exceed two gallons brine, and marinate it one hour per pound, but not less than thirty minutes nor more than eight hours. Afterwards, rinse the bird well to remove any remaining sugar. This should give you a half-way decent turkey.
Some families have these little ad hoc Thanksgiving traditions — screaming at each other over ancient infractions or throwing cranberry jelly don’t count — but the real goal of the holiday is to eat yourself sick and watch the football game. So have at it. Here’s a recipe:
Greens and Smoked Neck bones
Start this one early since some greens and neck bones take a long time to get
soft.
9 cups of water
1 pound smoked neck bones
2 big bunches of collard greens, kale or mustard greens or one of those other
leafy green veggies
3/4 cup chopped bacon pieces
Salt and pepper to taste
2 tablespoons of melted bacon drippings or veggie oil
1 tbsp hot pepper sauce or 1-2 red chili peppers, seeded and chopped
In a Dutch oven bring water and neck bones to a boil. Lower heat to medium and cook for about 45 minutes. Skim and discard any froth that collects on top of the water. Remove the neck bones with a slotted spoon and set aside.
Keep the water. Wash the greens, get rid of the stalks, then tear the leaves to pieces. Put these in the boiling water used for the neck bones and boil for another 30 minutes. Return the neck bones to the pot with the greens. Add the bacon pieces, salt and pepper and oil or drippings and boil for another 30 minutes or so. Remove from the heat and drain off excess water when the neck bones and greens are thoroughly cooked. Serve hot.
