I cannot wait until the Halloween fun begins. Most everyone is preparing for the big day. Kids…
By Alex Berger
“Halloween has become much more sophisticated. Years ago there were ghosts, goblins, monsters and witches that scared you. Now it is the Dow Jones averages.”
I cannot wait until the Halloween fun begins. Most everyone is preparing for the big day. Kids are making costumes of scary characters — devils, vampires, monsters and Martha Stewarts.
Gloria knows that I am not the sharpest crayon in the box, but she loves seeing me on Halloween nights. I always dye my hair orange to match her black Halloween dress. My disguise this year is to be dressed as someone intelligent. So, I put on my thinking cap and pondered, meditated and mused. I finally concluded that I will dress as Donald Rumsfeld.
I love everything about Halloween. Even writing my annual Halloween columns gives me sheer pleasure. When else can I get the editor’s approval to scare the pants off my readers? But many people are turned off by Halloween. They disconnect their doorbells and hang “out of candy” signs in their windows. Can you imagine?
But enough of my gabbing, readers. Now is the time to scare people. Before I begin, however, let me first warn all the timid souls to turn the page if they ever, ever (even just one time) covered their eyes while watching a mystery movie. It is therefore not advisable for them to continue reading.
Heed the words of Oprah Winfrey, who once said “Being forewarned is being forearmed,” or was it “Being forearmed is being forewarned?” Oh, well, pick the one you like best. To all the others, who decide not to exercise better judgment and want to keep reading, batten down your hatches, gird your loins, lock up the cat and stiffen your upper lips, for you are in for a bumpy ride.
Let me begin by informing you that black cats, ladders and broken mirrors aren’t all you have to worry about on Halloween. You also have to be concerned about the writings in the “Book of Superstitions.” It was written on Oct. 31, 1666 (in genuine bat’s blood) by one Vlad Dracul.
This Halloween hero lived in a castle in Romania and wasn’t exactly a vampire; however, he is viewed by “evil” people as the first vampire. The count’s devilish deeds were many. His solution to the country’s homeless problem was to invite all the homeless people in and then torch the place.
The count’s mysterious rules, which I will quote verbatim, are his gift to the world. They were handed down, generation after generation, before they fell into the hands of my great, great grandfather Frank N. Stein Berger, a bearded, 7-foot tap dancer. I got to read them just last week and my hands are still shaking.
Remember again, brave hearts, shield your children’s eyes and take all other necessary precautions to keep these scary rules away from minors. So, without further adieu, I present for your reading pleasure the “Count’s Sacred Rules,” from his soon-to-be best-seller, “The Book of Superstitions.”
Chapter One — “To ensure good luck, a newborn child must be carried to the top of the house before being taken down stairs for the first time. If the house has no stairs, even climbing with the child on top of a box or chair will help. It is unlucky to enter a house with the left foot. The left side of the body is thought to hold more evil than the right.
“The Romans were so concerned that someone might enter their homes on the unlucky left foot that they assigned a man at the door to watch the feet of people entering. The man at the door was called a ‘footman.’ ”
Chapter Two — “You will have good luck if you step on your own shadow, but it is bad luck if someone else steps on it. It is bad luck to have more than one working clock in a room. It is unlucky to enter a new house for the first time by the back door. A frog brings good luck to the house it enters. If you sneeze on a Sunday morning without any reason before you have eaten anything, you will be lucky in love forever.”
Chapter Three — “To meet a man with flat feet on a Monday morning is bad luck. In order to stop the bad luck, you must return home, eat and drink something, and start the day anew. If you pick blackberries the second Saturday in October, you will suffer a grave misfortune.” (Aren’t you glad that the second Saturday in October has already passed? We dodged a bullet this year.)
Chapter Four — “To see a new moon through the branches of a tree will cause bad luck for the entire month. It is unlucky to see the new moon for the first time through a closed window. A bleeding heart plant in the house will bring bad luck unless a Susan B. Anthony dollar-coin is placed in the soil around it. When ironing anything flat, be careful not to iron in a diamond-shaped fold; such a fold will bring bad luck to the user of the item.”
Chapter Five — “To drop a dishrag means bad luck is coming. The bad luck can be stopped by turning three times toward the sun while throwing a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. To wear green to a christening or a bris brings bad luck to the child undergoing the ceremony.
“It is bad luck to cut a doorway between two rooms after a house is built. You must never leave half an eggshell unbroken or you will have bad luck. It is bad luck to sleep in a room with a pumpkin in it. And, it is far luckier indeed to have a baby’s first tooth in the lower jaw than in the upper.”
And may you live happily ever after.
There you have it. Memorize the count’s rules very carefully and follow them all to the letter. Oh, yes, the count also mandated that everyone burn this column immediately after digesting its contents. Failure to do so will result in an uncontrollable and insatiable craving of candy corn forever. That, dear reader, will also make for a bad hair day. Beware!
Reach columnist Alex Berger by e-mail at timesledger@aol.com or call 229-0300, ext. 140.
