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Berger’s Berg: Writer gives out ideas for April Fool pranks

By Alex Berger

Historically, April 1 is the time for sanctioned mischief and chicanery. If you wish to partake in the fun, Professor Berger has some devilish suggestions for you.You can either spread the word that sewer alligators have just devoured a subway worker; cover your office door with drywall to make it appear that your office doesn't exist; telephone out-of-town friends to inform them that Queens Boulevard is covered with green snow; fax TV stations and complain that their programs are being played upside down; fill your boss's bottom drawers with a rubber chicken (but, be sure it's kosher); place secreted plastic tubes under the office furniture and stroke them to produce funny noises when talking with your associates (befuddled co-workers would never know where the sounds were coming from); e-mail friends that the U.S. government has just raised the mandatory retirement to 82; and/or yell through the streets that the Supreme Court has ruled that income tax is unconstitutional. Think how many laughs you will receive.Last April Fools' Day, I, the Prince of all Practical Jokers, was almost fooled by amateur pranksters. Gerard, my accountant, said he had won an around-the-world cruise in a raffle, but refused to accept his prize because he had no way of getting back home. My plumber, Mel, said he played a hilarious joke on an airline. He purchased a round-trip ticket to London and fooled them by returning home by boat. To add to these “capers,” my best friend, Stan, said he ordered an expensive dinner at a classy restaurant, hollered “April Fool,” then walked out without eating it. Ha! Ha! April Fool. You guys didn't fool me one bit.”How and why did all this 'mish-a-goss' begin,” you ask. The author, George William Douglas, wrote “many explanations have been offered for the custom of playing practical jokes on the first of April, but there is agreement on only one of them. (The celebration is thought to) have something to do with the observance of the spring equinox.” Spring fever, anyone?For centuries, April Fool's Day has been celebrated in many countries. “Moisha Kapoia” (sic), the fictional character in Jewish folklore, has been dubbed the “Fool of Fools.” In India, the Feast of Huli, observed on March 3l, is honored by sending people on foolish errands. In France, the April Fool is called, “a poisson d'avril” (an April fish) because both are easily caught; in Scotland, he is called an “April gowk,” (cuckoo) for apparent reasons; and in Upper Gumovia, he is descriptively known as a “Dumb-dumb” (no explanation needed).In America, the early immigrant settlers brought the April Fool's custom with them. At first, it was chiefly observed by young boys who would write, “Kick Me” on a piece of paper and pin it on the back of an unsuspecting companion. (Last year, a similar trick was played on me. Gloria and I were in Aruba eating in a fancy restaurant. I was wearing my spiffy shirt with the N.Y. Giants logo embossed on both sides. A naughty waiter pinned an “I love the N.Y. Jets” note on the back of my shirt. Horrors! I got even with him by giving him a 10-cent tip).Young pranksters played other tricks. They would tie a string to a purse, drop it on the sidewalk, and pull it out of reach when someone stooped to pick it up. They also covered a cotton ball with chocolate and offered it as candy. (My brother, Larry, once gave me a chocolate from a box of candies. I was April-fooled. The chocolate was wrapped around a clove of garlic.)Another favorite monkeyshine was to inform a person he had a telephone message from a Mr. Camel. Of course, when the “pigeon” returned the call, he had called the zoo.But April fooling sometimes gets out of hand. Everyone must beware of the well-intended but misguided pranksters. They'll have you believing that water was seeping into the Queens-Midtown tunnel, or that your company has just been bought out by Wal-Mart.Last year, a clothing-store clerk called her manager at home to say their shop was being robbed at gunpoint. By the time the clerk phoned back to shout “April Fool,” the manager had already dialed 911 and four police cars were racing to the scene of the “crime.” However, the police were not laughing and arrested the clerk for inducing panic, a misdemeanor that could have gotten her six months in jail. Yes, she was fired.A chemical plant employee planted a rubber snake above the manager's office door. He didn't come to work that day. But the snake dropped onto the shoulders of the night cleaning lady, who fell screaming to the floor, smashed her head and passed out. The company paid her medical bills, but she refused to work there again.But the day is not without its supporters (including me). Some management consultants contend that April Fools' jokes can help relieve stress and improve morale for workers. Should I ask my editor to come to work wearing a rubber nose on April Fool's Day?* Notice to my co-workers: As per a directive from our editor, effective April 1, 2005, all employees must stop using computers and return to typewriters.* Notice to my readers: I have been asked to replace syndicated, humorist columnist, Dave Barry who has recently retired.* April Fool!Reminder: April 3 is Daylight Savings Time, so turn your clocks ahead, every last one of them.Reach columnist Alex Berger by e-mail at timesledger@aol.com or call 718-229-0300, Ext. 138.