By Alex Berger
It is a joyous period for Jews, even those thin-blooded Snowbirds, who choose to remain in Florida somewhat longer. And as usual, the period of grumbling, rumbling and signs of discomfort will soon be in full swing as they observe the eight-day holiday, a remembrance of their ancestors' deliverance from Egyptian bondage (slavery).However, a second type of Jewish bondage sits in the wings, waiting to arise for many of the “fressers” (scavengers) around the Passover Table. Gastroenterologists refer to this bondage by its medical term, “Matzoh Stomach” or “M.S.,” after the traditional unleavened bread eaten during the holiday. Other medical providers prefer not to mention the condition, believing it to be just a passing fancy. Yes, smarty pants, you guessed what Passover's little secret is Ð constipation! This is greeted with chuckles, groans and ingestion of counter gastronomic remedies by Jewish sufferers who like to “ess” (eat) their way through the holiday.Passover commemorates the freeing of the Jews from slavery in Egypt. Tradition holds that the Jews fled in such haste they did not have time for their baking bread to rise. So during the holiday, which ends at nightfall on May 1 at 8:45 p.m., observant Jews will not eat “risen” bread or any leavened foods, including pizza. Instead, Jews eat matzohs, a dry, cracker-like bread.Many Passover foods contain either matzoh or its ground derivative, matzoh meal, which is used in breads, cakes and other foods. The problem is that matzoh (unless it is of the whole-wheat variety) has little fiber and often is eaten to excess. Supermarkets often give away five-pound packages to customers who spend $50 on other items.”Eating matzoh is like trying to eat one potato chip,” as Jews like to say, as they look forward to Passover when they can overindulge. So matzoh, with perforations that make it easy to break off pieces for nibbling, is slathered with butter and sprinkled with salt, spread with jam or cream cheese, dipped into leftover chopped liver, or simply eaten straight out of the box. It becomes a mainstay for breakfasts, fried with eggs like French toast or, using matzoh meal made into pancakes.Through extensive research, I uncovered ancient Hebrew writings (inscribed on a huge Alka-Seltzer tablet) telling the story of an overstuffed Hebrew scribe in ancient Babylon who just devoured an enormous Passover meal. As a matzoh ball was making a big splash in his stomach, he heard a voice from above the digesting brisket in his “kishkes” whispering: “Yes, it will all come to pass.” That wisdom carries forth to this very day.Despite knowing the fabled, binding quality of matzoh, many Jews take their seasonal ailment with a self-deprecating smile and a knowing shrug. They know the condition clears up rapidly and doesn't cause any lasting effect. In addition, Jewish families have a built-in preventative for “matzoh stomach.” They serve a fruit compote or a special mix of carrots, yams and dried fruits during their seder (holiday meal).So, to all you Passover gourmets, I suggest you disregard the pleas of your mothers – “eat, bubbelah, or it will kill me” Ð and eat only in moderation. And add a mix of springtime fruits and vegetables to every Passover meal as you satisfy those “matzoh-fixes.” A few Jewish families also serve whole wheat and bran matzoh fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is “Let My People Go!” The thankful news is that Passover comes around only once a year.I must confess that I love every Passover meal, except for one. Gloria and I were just married and I eagerly awaited my very first home-cooked Passover meal prepared by my new bride. I knew that Gloria never had the opportunity to cook before, but she was very eager to try. I ran out and bought her a cookbook entitled, “Passover Meals Prepared By Schlemiels.”Then she was off to Waldbaum's Supermarket to purchase the necessary ingredients and began cooking and baking for two days. Pots clanged, glasses tinkled, garbage piled up and various aromas filled the air.Well, let me tell you, the food was simply indescribable. There was gefilte fish (a mix of congealed fish and transparent slime jelly), kugel (a blend of overcooked noodles, raisins and curds of ripe cheese); borscht (a purple soup she made from beets spiced with something that tasted like ammonia); matzoh balls or k'naidlach (a food substance which tasted like Styrofoam and sponges); and sugar-laced latkes (potato pancakes fried in quasi-castor oil). “M.S.” certainly flourished mightily for me that day, but I lived to tell the tale. Gloria, to her credit, has since become a very accomplished cook.So, mangia, my Jewish friends. A warning, for your stomach's sake: Please don't forget the fiber or else … Gloria and I want to wish everyone an “M.S.-free,” zissen, sweet Passover.Reach columnist Alex Berger at timesledger@aol.com or call 718-229-0300, ext. 138.
