By Alex Berger
Mother's Day arrives on May 8. This year I must digress and not write a column about mothers. Instead, the time has come for me to write about a well-known other relative of married people – their mothers-in-law!Haven't you become tired of hearing jokes continually knocking them (especially when you never hear jokes about fathers-in-law)? So, I decided to do something about it. In fairness, I will devote this column to honor the much abused, much maligned, and much vilified, group of individuals since time began – the “spouse-mothers.” In show business, celebrities “roast” other celebrities as an expression of love. I ventured forth to discover if this reverse humor applies to mothers-in-law also. So, I took to the road and interviewed married residents living in TimesLedger country. The full names of all respondents are omitted to protect the innocent.F. (Flushing) – I want you to know that I happen to have the greatest mother-in-law in the world and I would say that even if she weren't looking over my shoulder. I came to accept the realization that she is someone who will never be outspoken.A. (Astoria) – I know that behind every successful man stands a shocked mother-in-law. I refer to my in-law as the “bark” of our family tree. I am fortunate that she is so well-informed. She can complain on any subject.L. (Little Neck) – I tell Gloria that I like her mother-in-law better than mine. As with most married men, I have another woman in my life – unfortunately, it is my mother-in-law.H. (Howard Beach) – Many marriage counselors believe that every once in a while, husbands should do something to make their mothers-in-law extra happy such as taking them out to dinner, sending them flowers and divorcing their daughters. But truthfully, I get along with mine very well. I nominate her for the Congressional Meddle of Honor.F. (Fresh Meadows) – I don't complain that she visits us twice a year. But does she have to stay six months every time?G. (Glen Oaks) – Sometimes I can't tell if I am trying hard to be a success to please my wife, or to spite my mother-in-law.W. (Whitestone) – I told my mom that my husband is very good to me. He gives me everything I ask for. She answered, “That shows you are not asking enough.”A. (Jamaica) – My mother-in-law prefers to have the last word. I just never knew when that was going to be.P. (Woodside) – I have the best mother-in-law in the world. She is loving, kind and understanding. It is her daughter I can't stand.Y. (Forest Hills) – I was looking for the ultimate Mother's Day gift to give my mother-in-law. I originally wanted to send her to the Thousand Islands with a one-week stay on each island. But I ultimately found a cheaper vacation for her. It was a three-week, luxurious trip to the little burg of “Hell” in Norway, where the mercury plummets to 35 degrees below zero. (The name was derived from the Norwegian word of “hellir” meaning “good luck.”) She was overwhelmed by my generosity, but declined the offer. She didn't want to give me the pleasure of taking her to the airport.T. (Queens Village) – I am very kind to my mother-in-law. Baby sitters are very expensive.R. (Ridgewood) – My mother-in-law will live with us forever. But, I don't mind. She owns the house.S. (Laurelton) – I have come to the conclusion that Eskimo women make the best wives. They will care for you, pamper you, worry about you and their mothers-in-law live in Antarctica.Thank you, respondents, for participating in my survey. It is apparent that the disparaging mother-in-law jokes are still in vogue. However, mothers-in-law, don't fret if your sons-in-law hate your cooking, your daughters-in-law resent you and both want to ship you off to a far-away island. It is no secret that most people get along best with their own mothers. But according to a study at a major university, as time goes by, they most likely will learn to get along with you much better. Example: Recently a man went beyond the call of obligation for his future mother-in-law. He traveled all the way from Italy to donate 60 percent of his liver to her to save her life. No greater love hath any son-in-law for a mother-in-law, don't you agree?And many years ago a daughter-in-law anonymously wrote the following poem in loving tribute to her mother-in-law. It should make all mothers-in law feel good:”Mother-In-Law' they say, and yet… Somehow I simply can't forget'Twas you who watched his baby ways… Who taught him his first hymn of praise,Who smiled on him with loving pride… When he first toddled by your side.'Mother-In-Law' but oh, 'twas you … Who taught him to be kind and true;When he was tired, almost asleep… 'Twas to your arms, he used to creep.And when he bruised his tiny knee… 'Twas you who kissed it tenderly.'Mother-in-law' they say, and yet… Somehow I never shall forgetHow much I owe… To you, who taught him to grow.You trained your son to look above… You made of him the man I loveAnd so I think of that today… When with thankful heart I'll say….(You are) OUR Mother”…You ask about my mother-in-law? Well, she was widowed early and left to raise two small children alone. She baby sat for our two infants while Gloria attended college and when Gloria became a teacher. Her pot-roast was to die for, her chicken soup cured many a cold and her sense of humor was second to none. But the best reason I liked her? She was Gloria's mother!Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and mothers-in-law. Incidentally, tell me, why aren't there any Father's Day jokes?Reach columnist Alex Berger at timesledger @aol.com or call 718-229-0300, Ext. 141.
