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Berger’s Burg: Advice to the lovelorn on Valentine’s Day

By Alex Berger

Gloria said I am dark and handsome. When it is dark, I am handsome.Yes, readers, Valentine's Day is arriving on Feb. 14. It is the day for loving and being loved. I know it is not easy being in love in this day and age, but take it from me, it was tougher in days gone by. During the reign of Roman Emperor Claudius II, his empire was at war. Claudius had forbidden his soldiers to get engaged or married. His law prevailed, halting thousands of broken-hearted Romans from tying the knot.A priest named Valentine took pity on the lovelorn army and defied the emperor's decree by marrying many of the desperate young lovers in secret. He was ultimately arrested, imprisoned and beheaded on Feb. 14. And, to him, we owe the adage “One loses one's head when one's in love with one.”Readers, through the years, many of you have dubbed me the “Love Professor” for the wise advice I gave in times of romantic distress. So, once again, lovebirds, I come to your rescue. If you hope to woo your sweethearts so that both of you will lose your heads together in love, as a public service, I offer my “heart-y” wisdom once again.Firstly, memorize the following most glamorous and romantic words in the English language I am listing alphabetically for easy reference. Then impart as many of them as you can utter in one breath, o'er the head of your beloved on Valentine's Day. He/she will think you are another Johnny Depp or Catherine Zeta-Jones. Trust me, it works. Alluring, beguiling, chic, delightful, elegant, fascinating, gorgeous, haunting, interesting, joyous, keen, lively, magnificent, nice, opulent, priceless, queenly, romantic, sensual, terrific, unique, vibrant, wonderful, xenogenetic (uniquely spontaneous), youthful, and zestful. If these sentimental words do not melt the heart of your loved one, may I suggest you either learn French, or include in your Valentine's card a $10,000 money order from Tiffany's.”Hey,” you anxiously ask, “what about the guys/gals who have no “other one.”Well, it takes talent, a certain suaveness, and nerve to walk up to a total stranger and introduce yourself as a romantic wordsmith and a potential date. So, to get you over the hump, I urge that you use one of these crafty “pickup” lines to break the ice, whenever you spot a forlorn, guy/gal sitting alone in your local watering hole, movie, or Wal-Mart's:”If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put “U” and “I” together;” “If beauty were a drop of water, you would be an ocean;” and “You must be tired because I have been chasing you in my dreams every night for months.” Remember, these are very powerful words so, for heaven sake, use them in moderation.What about after? How does one pop the question of marriage when my advice works? There are many varied ways. You may hire a limo, put a pillow on the floor, get down on one knee and hand the surprised girl a 2-carat engagement ring. She is bound to cry for 45 minutes and accept.Or if you have been friends for a long time, drive to the local diner on another, ordinary date. When she asks what you are thinking, you should say I think we should get married. In most cases, she will accept. Or, the way President Lyndon Johnson did it. He proposed to Lady Bird on their first date. She was aghast. He then gave her an ultimatum. They were married two months later.And finally, Charles McArthur, while proposing to the great actress, Helen Hayes, presented her with a bag of peanuts and wished they were a bag of diamonds. On their 50th anniversary, he handed Hayes a bag of diamonds and wished they were a bag of peanuts. But, the one I like best was the one between Gloria and yours truly.A mutual friend introduced Alex to Gloria on one Valentine's Day, and sparks flew. A perfect match, except for one thing; she lived in the Bronx and Alex resided on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Alex, with a 10-year-old car and its bald tires (he couldn't afford a newer one), had to travel up and down the West Side Highway before and after every date. When the car wasn't stalling, its tires were blowing. Believe me, it wasn't much fun changing tires at midnight, on the West Side Highway in sub-freezing weather. So, Alex, in his wisdom, found the solution. He proposed to Gloria five months later, married her, moved her to Queens, junked his car, bought a newer one, and they both lived happily ever after.So, readers, hug and smooch that someone special. As Lee Bennett Hopkins said, “Feel flippy, feel fizzy, feel whoopy, feel whizzy.” And, if this column does the trick, don't forget to invite us to the wedding. Wishing you all a happy Valentine of love!Reach columnist Alex Berger at timesledger@aol.com or call 718-229-0300, Ext. 138.