By Stanley P. Gershbein
Hollywood is licking the wounds of 2005 as the worst year…according to which source I read ….“in 10 years”, “in two decades”, “ever”. Even the hype of a giant monkey, a nervous chicken, a young magician and a couple of gay cowboys couldn’t skyrocket the numbers of dollars and lift the spirits of a disastrous year. I discussed this situation with you several months ago and, as always, requested your comments. I received a couple of notes, E-Mails, and telephone calls from readers and friends giving me their reasons for staying away. Here are a few of them. My roommate and I love the movies and go very often, so remember – these are YOUR reasons and not mine. Movies are worse than ever. The prices go up-up-up while the quality goes down-down-down. I refuse to give money to Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streissand and the rest of the Hollywood Liberals. I’ll wait to see the flick on HBO for free. Nine bucks for corn and a coke, twenty for a pair of tickets. I don’t have to be first to see the movie. I’ll wait a couple of months and buy the DVD for a lot less and OWN it. Some of us resent sitting through commercials. The newspaper says that the movie starts at 8 PM. We show up at ten to eight and then sit through commercials, coming attractions, and ‘important’ announcements about cell phones and the candy counter. We’re done with our popcorn before the movie starts. Knowing all this we try to show up later but then we can’t get good seats. Moviegoers are ruder than ever. They talk to each other as if they’re sitting in their living rooms. Many of these yentas adamantly refuse to turn off their cell phones and…you know the rest. That situation has become so bad that at this very moment the National Association Of Theater Owners wants the FCC to allow the blocking of cell phone signals in theatres. And then there are those young mommies who show up with an infant, shove a pacifier in his mouth and hope for an hour and a half of silence. Sometimes they get it. Sometimes they don’t. Any others? Let me hear from you. ******** The recent hurricanes along the gulf coast and the demise of the levees left many thousands of acres of sugarcane crops drenched in seawater. This, naturally, resulted in a shortage of sugar and an increase in sugar prices. We’ll soon be paying more for bakery goods, candy and, of course, beverages. I recently purchased a couple of cakes and cookies in an independent bakery. The gal behind the counter apologized for the increase in the prices of her goods. “That’s fine” I said, “but haven’t you noticed that half of what I’m buying is sugar-free?” She stood there with her mouth wide open, speechless, while I was taking bows from the applause of the six or seven other customers in the shop. I guess we can now look forward to an increase in the price of Coke and Pepsi along with an increase of Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi that contain no sugar at all. Of course, they will tell us that they’re averaging the increase in the sugar prices between all of their products even if it is sugar free. They said it once before but when I wrote and asked for details all I received was another form letter repeating what I already heard. Nobody believes them but you’ll buy it anyway. Me? I’ll stick to Crystallite. Tastes great, no sugar and a lot less expensive. ******* In an attempt to make itself independent and reduce its reliance on coal and imported oil, Australian companies have been busy drilling for oil. They went down three miles and instead of the fuel they were looking for they discovered a large bed of hot rocks. No! Not Hot Rocks, the radio station. Real hot rocks. They actually found super-heated, steamy stones coming in at a temperature of 570 degrees. Now that’s scorching. Right now they’ve turned their investigations into harnessing that energy. Between you and me – I think they discovered Hell. ******** President Mahmoud Amadinejad of Iran is now telling the world that the Holocaust did not exist. Did anybody ever ask him how he knows that? He’s the same screwball who recently said that Israel should not exist. Right now, and I hope he’s serious about it, he wants Israel to be moved to Europe. Hey-that’s not a bad idea. So far, all they have where they are is a lot of sand, limited natural resources and a lot of brainpower. It would be nice if Israel were moved to a region where there are loads of precious metals, minerals, fertile soil and a whole lot of natural wealth. The brainpower can be moved anywhere. So President Nutjob, Where do you want it moved to? Germany? That would be poetic. Everybody knows that Amadinejad is another crazy, hateful anti-Semite. Many of us tone it down and equate anti-Semitism with jealousy. What’s your thinking on this? ******** The most recent numbers for life expectancy are in and here they are. An American woman will live, on average, 80.1 years. Her husband will live only 77.6 years. So why do American men die before their wives? I am StanGershbein@BellSouth.Net apologizing for a lousy joke. For verification purposes only, all letters and Emails must contain the writer’s real name, address and telephone number. All correspondence is the property of this newspaper and may be chosen for publication.
