By Alex Berger
It has been several weeks since the New York (and other) presidential primaries and I have not written a single word about my dismal showing. No, it is not sour grapes. I just wanted to wait until the dust settled and my tears dried. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would receive just one write-in vote-mine. Oh, Rosie O'Donnell, where is thy sting?Wouldn't my presidential face look good on a $2 bill?I have since devoted a great deal of time (3 1/2 minutes) analyzing the whys and wherefores for my unfortunate situation. I immediately ruled out the conspiracy theory against me on the grounds that I am too likeable a person for anyone to conspire against. However, I did come up with other probable reasons for my downfall.1. 1 question the authenticity of the primary process itself. If you found out that Jimmy Hoffa sent in an absentee ballot, wouldn't you be dubious also?When Washington ran for president in colonial America, he wore high-heeled boots, satin pants, a ruffled silk shirt, and a curly wig. In Dry Gulch, Wyo., he'd have to run for his life!2. Those endless series of pre-primary and caucus, seat-of-the-pants debates. Why were so many allowed to offer so little to so few voters and not allow me to do the same? I could have made an ass of myself, too.Reporters were having trouble getting a candidate to give straight answers to political questions. Finally they asked: “What is your favorite color?” “Plaid,” was the reply.3. I didn't have the opportunity to give my incisive, well-researched views on religion. I would have told America: “When it comes to any religion, if candy and cake were part of the services, I'm there.”An immigrant had his name changed to a more Anglo-Saxon one, Hugh Fitz-Hughfitz. He owned a restaurant frequented by political bosses and they helped him win many political offices including mayor and senator. But he was not happy. The political boss asked why. Hugh answered, “I appreciate all you have done, but, por favor, can you now help make me a citizen?”4. Failure to allow me to make campaign promises which would have lasted a bit longer than the other candidates' promises – almost as long as it takes a green banana to ripen.George Washington is the only president who couldn't blame the previous administration for his troubles.5. Failure to allow me to announce to America my cabinet choices which certainly would have propelled me to victory. So, as an exercise in futility, I will announce them to the world. Note the expertise and precise qualification of each would-be appointee:Vice President: Cameron Diaz (I'd rather look at her all day than Dick Cheney); Secretary of State: Angelina Jolie (to get the male vote); Secretary of War: Brad Pitt (to get the female vote); Secretary of Defense: Rush Limbaugh (to get the Republican vote); Secretary of Communications: Janeane Garafolo (to get the Democratic vote); Secretary of Health and Education and Welfare: Gloria (if you want to know just anything about everything, ask this kindergarten teacher); Secretary of Ethics: Barry Bonds (with his muscles, he could have any job he wants); and Secretary of Sports: Eli Manning (like me, he keeps on trying).The British can't understand why we keep our bars closed on Election Day. “At home, we keep the bars open. We figure nobody is going to vote for these (!@#S) nominees sober.”6. And finally, I believe the anti-city political brokers obviously didn't want a candidate who was born in Manhattan, his wife in the Bronx, and his daughter-in-law in Staten Island, who worked in Queens and as a child rooted for the old Brooklyn Dodgers.Last Election Day the Republicans left huge tips on their restaurant bill and wrote, “Vote Republican.” The Democrats left no tips and wrote “Vote Republican.”But don't weep for me. I am ready and able to continue my journey on the political stump. In 1968, Pat Paulson, the comedian of “The Smothers Brothers” TV show, ran for president unendorsed and garnered 200,000 votes. I can do the same. All I need is a few more people to cast their write-in ballots for me on Election Day in November.In all seriousness, President Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “Nobody will ever deprive the American people of the right to vote except the American people themselves – and the only way they could do that is by not voting.” So, readers, vote in November and help put President Berger in the White House.Contact Alex Berger at news@timesledger.com.
