By Alex Berger
M for the Music, merry and clear;/E for the Eve, the crown of the year;/R for the Romping of bright girls and boys;/R for the Reindeer that bring the toys;/Y for the Yule-log softly aglow./C for the Cold of the sky and the snow;/H for the Hearth where they hang up the hose;/R for the Reel which the old folks propose;/I for the Icicles seen through the pane;/S for the Sleigh bells, with tinkling refrain;/T for the Tree with gifts all abloom;/M for the Mistletoe hung in the room;/A for the Anthems we all love to hear;/S for St. Nicholas — joy of the year! — St. Nicholas magazine
Four days before Christmas, Gloria and I were finally able to exhale. At long last, we completed the dispatching of our holiday cards. Why were we so late? You will never guess, so I will tell you.
We were sitting with friends around Thanksgiving time when one of them let out a long sigh. She said, “I’m thinking about not sending holiday cards to anyone this year.”
“Why?” Gloria gasped.
“Dunno,” she shrugged.
A few of the others agreed, but no one could give an exact reason. “We’re not in the mood” were the answers.
Gloria and I mulled over these negative thoughts for several days. By the time we realized it would be sad for us to deprive our friends and relatives of our good wishes during this wonderful season, Christmas was almost upon us. So, we belatedly got down to business.
Thanks to my resourcefulness, I devised a speedy, fail-safe, ingenious, production-line system for sending out the 60 or so cards we usually mail every year and immediately put the system into play. Gloria began the process by retrieving the boxes of Christmas cards she bought last year and never used and beginning the selection process. All of the cards to pick from were sincere, warm and beautiful. She then meticulously chose the most appropriate card to fit each person according to personality, disposition and degree of religious fervor.
Then Gloria concluded her part of the procedure, which we both deem the most important element of the process: the writing by hand of all the individually crafted, personalized and unique messages, each one particularly suited to the recipient’s personality, disposition and degree of religious fervor. And that ain’t easy. The envelopes were then addressed.
But I went a step further. At that moment, it fell upon me to seal and stamp the letters before delivering them to the post office. It was crucial for me to never, ever stick a stamp on an envelope unless that stamp and that person were compatible with one another.
I dug through Gloria’s vast and varied collection of stamps and selected compatible stamps for compatible people and incompatible ones for the incompatibles. Hopefully, I had selected the fittingest stamps to match the fittingest recipients.
Heavens to Betsy, I shudder to think of what would happen if I ever accidentally stuck a Disney stamp on a card addressed to my cranky Uncle Herman. My system is not always perfect. Some years ago, a wrong stamp ended up on the wrong envelope and that person still refuses to talk to us.
Why are we so keen about vetting Christmas cards and recipient so closely? Because to us each person we send a holiday card to is special and deserves special attention and we expect the same.
Now, readers, every Christmas, I try to figure out how I could send a personal holiday card to each of you, but the sheer numbers would short-circuit my stamp-selection powers. But I remember, as a columnist, I have a half-page of blank space to fill each week to either tell a story, share a thought or send a holiday card message to all of you. So, with one fell-swoop of this “Berger’s Burg,” here goes:
At this merriest time of the year, I want to thank all of you who read my column and take the time to e-mail and write me with your opinions, suggestions and warm wishes and laugh at my off-beat humor during the year. I loved hearing from you. And, because of so much gloom in the world today, I resolve in 2010 to do my best to continue making you smile, giggle and laugh by filling my columns with puns, jokes and humor. May you have a new year full of anticipated smiles, giggles and laughs.
And for Christmas, I want to send every one of you the one gift that is completely personal, fitting and compatible for everyone: a hug.
Gloria also sends her holiday wishes for health, happiness, joy, hope, laughter, serenity and love. Peace!
Contact Alex Berger at timesledgernews@cnglocal.com.
