Today’s news:

Discount factory outlets offer more torture than fun for Dad

Just over an hour’s drive, with cars zipping by me at speeds approaching 100 mph, we arrived at the congested parking lots where our first stop was Coach. The line inside to purchase an exchanged purse was long. Oh, what fun it is to stand on a rigid line all day.

Do you want to know a secret? A Victoria’s Secret, that is: no fun there either, except watching the bevy of buxom blondes pillaging through the tables overflowing with bras and underwear.

My spirit was willing but not my body as we encroached upon the Easy Spirit store. I was getting tired and hungry. Lucky for me, I discovered some chocolate-covered cherry samples at nearby Harry and David — otherwise, I might have starved to death. With my wife and daughter trying on shoe after shoe in different stores, my desperation for food had increased and my body longed for rest. Even the Old Navy could not rescue me as I was also drowning into an abyss of boredom.

Finally, my pleas and prayers to go to the food court were heard. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Some Auntie Ann’s pretzel bites slowly got my pulse nearing normal and a generous portion of Gen. Tso’s chicken, an egg roll and lo mein revived me for my next excursion: Lancome.

As usual, with no chair to sit, I stood in dismay watching my two passengers open practically every box of perfume, soap and cream to examine. I meandered away for a few minutes from those scents to a Pepperidge Farm outlet, salivating over the mint milano cookies. Your Guess is as good as mine as to where we embarked next. Do we have to keep up with the Jones New York?

The hordes of teeny-boppers at Aeropostale, Aerosole and Aerosmith kept my eyes open for a while, but fatigue was settling into my bones again. This American Eagle had landed as we trekked into one clothing store after another. My weary body could barely stand. Out of sheer exhaustion, I fell into the Gap, sinking into a soft chair that felt like heaven.

Then, just as the sunlight had all but disappeared and the crepuscular skies emerged, my wife suddenly announced, “We’re leaving.” Surely these were the most stimulating words I heard all day!

Our journey home was uneventful except for a lot more traffic on the Long Island Expressway as we inched closer to my final resting place. The thought of chicken cutlets and spaghetti awaiting to be reheated at home gave me the inspiration to drive our final few miles.

Great Steak and Potato! There’s no place like home.

Mark Lane

Little Neck

Pin It
Print this story Permalink

Reader Feedback

Enter your comment below

By submitting this comment, you agree to the following terms:

You agree that you, and not TimesLedger.com or its affiliates, are fully responsible for the content that you post. You agree not to post any abusive, obscene, vulgar, slanderous, hateful, threatening or sexually-oriented material or any material that may violate applicable law; doing so may lead to the removal of your post and to your being permanently banned from posting to the site. You grant to TimesLedger.com the royalty-free, irrevocable, perpetual and fully sublicensable license to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, create derivative works from, distribute, perform and display such content in whole or in part world-wide and to incorporate it in other works in any form, media or technology now known or later developed.

CNG: Community Newspaper Group