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Berger’s Burg: Money a very useful thing, but still the root of all evil

I’m a dollar bill. I’m not on speaking terms with the meat manager at the supermarket. I’m too small to buy a pint of ice cream. I can’t buy a gallon of gas. I’m hardly big enough as a tip. But on Sunday, in the collection box, I’m considered a big deal! — Milton Berle

When I was young, I thought money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am older, I know it is. Of course, there are bigger things in life than money, but you usually need money to buy them. It certainly is true money is not everything %u2026 unless you misplace your credit card.

Money can’t buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy. — Spike Milligan

People say germs are passed around on a dollar bill. Not so, I say. Nothing can live on a dollar these days. When I first married Gloria, all I wanted from her was affection, admiration, encouragement and the ability to stretch our sparse incomes into grandiose living. She did not quite make it, although she does try very hard.

God makes, and apparel shapes; but it’s money that finishes the man. — Thomas Fuller

My wife found a new way to save her money: She uses mine. She is also patriotic. She does her best to stimulate the economy by shopping every chance she gets. She now shares my money with Macy’s and Bloomingdale’s. She is also economical. She buys things before the prices go up. She also knows there is only one thing that money cannot buy: what it was able to buy yesterday.

With money in your pocket, you are wise and you are handsome, and you sing well too. — Jewish proverb

Since I know the dollar loses its value every day, a sly smile creeps across my face every time I get the best of those @#$% when I pay off my bills with a credit card. But I wish I did not have to anger them so frequently.

Money is the fruit of evil, as often as the root of it. — Henry Fielding

Gloria says two can live as cheaply as one — only now it costs twice as much. She went to Waldbaum’s and ordered $1 worth of Swiss cheese. The clerk wrapped up six holes. Even apples have become more expensive. It is now cheaper to just visit the doctor.

May you have a lot of money, but be the only one in your family with it. — Afghan proverb

Finally, I put my foot down. I told Gloria she introduces more bills than President Barack Obama. She said this was intentional since she is practicing to run against him in the 2012 election and become the first female president. Nowadays, I would be happy to make just one end meet. Maybe I will keep warm this winter by burning all of Gloria’s bills.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? — John Barrymore

Last month, I was able to make it through the month. I stopped payment on four checks. This morning, I made a resolution to begin living within my means, even if I have to borrow money to do so. But, Gloria said, “First cancel your Giants’ 2010 ticket subscription.” Case closed. That was not the only sad thing that happened to me: My checkbook died.

Money is the poor people’s credit card. — Marshall McLuhan

We went out, ordered a $19.99 gourmet special for two, and got a chicken liver and two lima beans. I remember if you saved money in the old days you were considered a miser; today, you are a wonder. But I need not worry. I have enough money to last the rest of my life — unless I want to buy something. Economists keep advising everyone should have six months’ salary in the bank for emergencies.

Hey, ecos: I’ll do the jokes.

Money is like a sixth sense — and you can’t make use of the other five without it. — William Somerset Maugham

The salary I used to dream about is the one I can’t live on today. But I received good news and I ran to Gloria to tell her. “Honey, your wish came true. We have moved into a more expensive condo — our carrying charges have been raised.” I will try to save my money because one could never know when it may become valuable again someday.

Money swore an oath that nobody who did not love it should ever have it. — Irish proverb

Make money and the whole world will conspire to call you a gentleman. — Mark Twain

I found out how I can make a million dollars. I just need $950,000 as a starter. So, readers, eat, drink and be merry today — for tomorrow living will cost you more.

Contact Alex Berger at timesledgernews@cnglocal.com.

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