By Kenneth Kowald
I want you all (however many of you there may be out there) to be the first to know that I am considering making a run for president of the United States.
I am confident, on the basis of looking over the credentials, history and statements of all candidates, that I am–at the very least–their equal in every way.
Take climate change. I am not a scientist. Give me a few points for that one. I had General Science in JHS 73 in Maspeth, no science in Newtown High School and Biology and Geology in CCNY. No physics. No chemistry, etc., etc.
Where do I stand on climate change? Where the scientists stand, of course, but, folks we all know how they doctor up things. So, no wonder all of us candidates are bewildered, if not incomprehensible when we discuss this matter. It is a matter of picking which scientists we want to follow, isn’t it? Yours are as good as mine. In the meantime, please cover your mouth when you cough during a pollution disaster. And keep the kids home.
I believe I can do at least as well as the others on this one.
On foreign policy, I stand firmly against terrorists, whoever and wherever they may be. That is because I am not a political scientist. But, gee! The problems seem to change every day. Our friends get more friendly, but some get less friendly and some desert us entirely. No one, it seems–including this writer–is able to sort this out in a sensible manner, so we trip from action to no action and really don’t know one from the other, it would seem.
Do we contradict ourselves? Very well, as our New York genius Walt Whitman wrote, we contradict ourselves. We are large. We contain multitudes.
Also, we count on you people forgetting what we said or did about these things. Thank heavens for your short memories.
Here again, I can do as well as those other bozos.
I am not an educator, but I can stumble through all the theories and testings with the best or worst of them. I care about the students, but I will join all the others in making sure that our tax dollars are well spent–and you better believe that! As for guns in the classrooms, I leave that to the States Righters out there. They will have much to say, you can be sure, and I will join them, as needed, to get votes. Or go the other way. Depends on how many mass murders there are. But, that kind of pessimism lasts only until the next news cycle, doesn’t it? To arms!
I can flip-flop on this issue and all the others with the best of them. I may even be able to teach them a thing or two about obfuscation. Starting with evolution!
I am not an expert on immigration. That puts me on a par with all the rest, doesn’t it? I know that we all are or come from ancestors who came to this country from other places. All legally, of course. But, even if they didn’t, they became Americans and you better believe that or else you are just showing how anti-American you can be.
So, do we make illegals legal? Do we give them a path of citizenship? You tell me and if enough of you are ready to vote your sentiments on this and any other matters, I am perfectly capable of changing my spots with the rest of them. Hey! A vote is a vote, is a vote. And, if you want me to, believe me, I will forget that Gertrude Stein said that better.
As for infrastructure. I can mispronounce that with the best of them. I am not an engineer, but I can continue to give the energy companies subsidies, and hold such back for mass transportation, etc. Or, I can help pour billions into bridges to nowhere and other such things. There may not be many of that type, but it makes for a good story and it permits us who love our country so much–as do all my challengers–to do nothing about the infrastructure going to hell in a handbasket.
I am as good at “NO!” as the next guy or gal.
I am not in the medical profession, but I can do all I can to keep people from getting the kind of care they get in other civilized countries, if that position will give me votes. On subjects such as this–we in the know call them “entitlements”–I shall forget that I ever heard of Otto von Bismarck, the “Iron Chancellor,” who came up with all kinds of social actions in order to “triangulate” the positions of his opponents. I would ask you to read about that, but if it means I may lose your vote, please forget about it. Otto can withstand your neglect. He’s been doing it for more than 150 years.
As for those who cannot get proper health care, housing, food, etc., Marie Antoinette may be an example to seek. And there I go again, trying to make history teach us a lesson–especially one from a foreign land. Heaven forbid! I just keep forgetting that the United States doesn’t need to learn anything from any other country, right? Do I get a vote or two for that one? Who said “one third of a nation” is in need? Oh, that FDR fellow. You know–or do you?–that he was a traitor to his class!
On economic matters (which I do not understand, just like my opponents), my views are shaped by the comments of a professor of finance at CCNY. He had worked on some of the banking legislation in Washington during the Great Depression. He once said (I paraphrase, in case I should be accused of plagarism): “If anyone tells you they understand the stock market, they are lying or crazy or both.”
That sounds about right to me, but, as you now know, I am willing to forget that, too, in order to succeed to the oval office.
There are so many issues to deal with–you and I can name many, if not all–that I think I will see to it that the cocktail hour (which a late lovely Anglican friend of ours called “Oh! Be Joyful”) is a regular routine in the White House. Now if that offends too many people, I may call for another Age of Prohibition, that Great Experiment. That is, until the needed votes land me and Elaine at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Then, it’s back to FDR and his great Martinis (although I prefer Manhattans or Rob Roys), or Bourbon with the boys (of all parties), as in Harry Truman’s time. And, remember, Bourbon (French name) is a great American booze. I’m not much good at poker (I lost half a buck once in the Army), but if needed, we’ll have that with the Bourbon.
Of course, if I see a tide turning against me, before re-election time, I shall swear off the stuff and pledge that everyone else does, too. After all, bootlegging during Prohibition kept people in business, no?
And so, my fellow and sister Americans, if I do throw my hat into the ring (once I find the right–or left–one), I am yours to command. I am a flag blowing as the winds of change carry me. My principles, such as they are, are here today and who knows where tomorrow.
That, of course, leaves me in the boat with all my challengers. I hope you can tell us apart.
Please remember to vote. Or not, as you please. After all, the American way is not to vote in the same proportions as other civilized countries, but what do they know? They are all foreigners, gosh darn it! So they vote more than we do. So what? We don’t use foreigners as examples for us, do we?
Full Disclosure: Decades ago, a new reform group in Queens decided I should seek a nomination to the City Council. Wiser heads prevailed–including mine–and it never went further than the meeting at which I won a vote from the group. Score one for democracy.
Let me make it clear that I do not and will not accept any funds, from anyone or any group, for my candidacy for president. Nor will I campaign in any manner, except where I may appear with my opponents in a debate. Since such an event is unlikely, the only way in which you may see my name again in this matter is if you write it in on a ballot.
To assuage your angst on this matter, I promise not to write another blog or column on this subject. If you comment, however, I shall reply, as I usually do. And, do remember, dear reader, if I contradict myself, I contradict myself. I am large (a few pounds lost would be fine). I contain multitudes.
Je Suis Charlie.
